Lots of people hate going to the doctor's office, but I really, really hate it. I hate being examined, prodded, and whatevered. I hate feeling like I'm gonna pass out when they take blood or how I have a quasi-panic attack when the pressure on my arm grows. I hate it. But when they have me waiting in the lobby for 45 minutes, and then waiting an hour in the examination room, I'm thinking, just like Stringer Bell in "The Wire" before he met his demise, "get on with it, motherf*****!"
That's how I felt at 8:30 last night. All by myself on my couch in my Gary Clark jersey, with an open Stella Artois bottle, watching all the pageantry and nonsense and graphics that go into a Monday Night Football broadcast right before kickoff. They've come to celebrate and broadcast our shame/demise/descent. We're gonna lose, even if we put up a good fight and get some crazy breaks and keep it close until the 4th. Its gonna be torture like usual. It sucks getting excited and then having our hopes dashed. So can we kick this thing off already? Get on with it, motherf*****!
And sure enough, five plays into the game, DeSean Jackson (that little WR who is awesome and competent and was drafted after Idiot Thomas) took an end around 60 something yards for a touchdown. 7-0.
The offense started out nice with a bootleg pass to the right to Cooley for a gain of 18. But Portis had nowhere to run, and the other passes to Cooley were too short or Campbell dropped the snap, or other shit like. Then Campbell went back to pass on a short drop and tried to throw a slant, but the right side of the line had collapsed, the ball popped up, and Witherspoon intercepted it and scored a touchdown.
The Eagles acquired Witherspoon last week, and the Redskins acquired Levi Jones. Witherspoon starts at linebacker, gets two turnovers and a touchdown while Levi Jones stands on the sidelines in his pretty new jersey. I'm pretty sure that if Levi Jones spent 365 days resting on a sofa, and on day 366 competed for a starting offensive tackle position against Stephon Heyer, Jones would win easily. And I've never seen Jones play.
So it was 14-0 and the Skins came out with two good runs by Portis to finish the first quarter. On the next play, Campbell left the pocket running to his left. Run it your damn self, I yelled. Instead he pulled his arm back like he was about to throw and he got sacked and stripped. A long field goal made it 17-0.
"'When I got outside the pocket, I was going to take a shot deep to 'Tana,'" Campbell said. 'Usually I would try to tuck that ball and run it, but I can't run, so the guy ended up stripping the ball from behind. Great play by him.'"
An illegal block penalty gave the Skins great field position, and Campbell made a couple of good throws to Moss and Sleepy Davis to get us down the field. Cartwright made a nice shotgun run as well. On second and goal, Sherm Lewis called a nice play that got Idiot Thomas alone in the back of the end zone and Campbell found him for the score.
That was nice. We had a little sip of hope and I had some big chugs of beer. The defense stuffed them with a 3 and out. But then Randle El let the punt him in the goddamn face. The Eagles kicked a field goal and it was 20-7.
The Skins couldn't do diddly poo on offense so they punted again. On Third and 18, I was looking forward to maybe getting one more chance to score before halftime. Instead, Carlos Rog
ers bit hard on a double move and McNabb found Jackson again for a long pass.Late in the game, Campbell found Sleepy Davis for short touchdown, but this followed several humiliatingly inept drives, including one that ended inside the 10 on fourth down because Rabach couldn't snap the ball past his own ass.
***
Things I think I said during and after the game:
- Just hit me in the head with a hammer
- Joey, I'm 31 years old . . . (shakes head, drink beer)
- Joey, Obama is a president, but he is also a man. There are no women presidents even though they make up half of the country. We should select a woman president to be president along side Obama (referring to complaints that Obama doesn't play basketball with women)
- No, I wasn't crying, but my blackened heart is
Delusional Corner
- 2-5 3 game winning streak. 5-5. Just like that, people.
- In 2001, I went to the Skins-Seahawks game that they won to go 3-5. I was psyched after that. Psyched for 3-5. Skins will be 3-5 after beating Atlanta in 2 weeks, and I'll be psyched about that too!
Chris Cooley dyed his hair blonde, and then broke his leg. He tried to change direction on a passing route and the thing gave way. He'll be out several weeks, and Zorn said that he'll probably put him on IR.
So, if we were to travel back in time, and you were to say to me, Hey, Dan--check it. Samuels, Thomas, and Cooley are all gonna be out of the lineup with season ending injuries at the bye, I'd say, oh, so I guess we're going to suck this year. No fair.
I didn't take any pictures or video of me watching the game. All you need to do is imagine a bunch of empty beer bottles and slouched sad man who occasionally curses at the TV about the parentage of certain Philadelphia Eagles and referees and who occasionally punches the coach and pillows.
I love that someone brought this sign to the game. Its a miserable season, all facets of the team are under attack or are performing poorly. But this sign shows that the dedication persists, like Ted Kennedy liked to say: the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.
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